Monday, June 15, 2009

Cloudy with a chance of underlying sadness

Why when I should be happy and smiling do I always have this gnawing sadness?

 

Why when I am happy that Daniel is doing something new, do I smile then get sad?  Because I realize that he should have done it two yrs ago?

 

I hate this feeling.  There are times when we’re laughing and having fun,and then the next minute tears are in my eyes and my chest aches.

 

Why?

 

Why can’t I be happy with how things are?  they could be worse right?

 

I am so sick of being depressed about what should have been or what will come.  Why can’t I just live and be happy?

9 comments:

Sherry C said...

oh Melanie I too know that feeling all to well. A bad storm moved in my area around my daughters second birthday now she is four and it still makes appearance from time to time but less often and less intense. Sometimes it's the small things like seeing other little girls skip down the sidewalk in front of my house or the big events like this weeks pre-school graduation that bring in the clouds. I definitely feel much more at peace with things as each year passes. I'm sure you will find it easier in time you have such a sweetheart in Daniel.

Dawn said...

I don't know what you are going through but I know it is tough for me to see other people my mom's age that are fine and she is so sick with cancer. I wish I had an answer for you but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Daniel too!

blogzilly said...

Because you can't. You feel things for your child that they can't feel for themselves, it's a double whammy. All you can do is let those sad feelings pass through you, allow them their due, and then move on to the next thing and attempt to hold on to some joy longer the next time.

Sucks. But your love for your child is what will get you through the day. That simple really.

Of course, like I know anything at all...I go through the exact same roller coaster too. :)

Bird said...

We're all there at some point--just hope that it passes quickly.

Big brother, Little sister. said...

Melanie, I am thinking of you at this time and during this "down time". I know how hard it is to see our children develop at thier own pace and how fine a line it is between laughing and crying ( very similar emotions and outlets there) Just go with the feelings they are neither right nor wrong as long as there is more postitives ones than negative I think it's pretty normal on this disability emotional rollercoaster.
take care and love to you.

Midwest Mommy said...

I am not sure what to say but what you wrote makes perfect sense to me.

Jacqui said...

I hope this passes. I think the sadness goes hand in hand with the feeling of having no control over the future. I can tell you that you aren't alone. And that you are incredibly lucky because you have such a beautiful family. And that you have a right to feel sad sometimes. I'm thinking of you.

Jessica said...

Melanie I know what your feeling. I can share one coping mechanism I use but it might sound a little morbid. When Paxson was in the hospital with his encephalitis at 2 weeks old, he almost died and then when he recovered the neurologist and doctors told us that based on his MRI and brain damage he could essentially be a vegetable. So now when I'm depressed I think about how grateful we are that he can smile and laugh and I know that he truly feels loved. I know we want so much more than that for our kiddo's but sometimes I have to talk myself into that being enough.

I hope today is a happy day for you both.

Amy Genn said...

I'm there, too! I keep thinking it's going to get easier as Eli gets older...but it seems to be getting harder! His friends are so talkative and funny. I get so sad because I wish I could know what my sweet baby is thinking!! I want to know his thoughts!
I often cry while laying with him and putting him to sleep at night.
I love my boy so much...but wish he could be whole and well.
I know God is in control and has a plan for my precious son, but it doesn't take away my earthly desires of having a "normal" child.
Sometimes I just think it all plain sucks!
Then I see Eli laugh and I praise the Lord again.
:)