TIRADE, RANT, COMPLAINING, MENTAL BREAKDOWN...CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL

They say that a child can sense things, that they can feel if you are upset or not.

I have been very down lately and I can't actually tell you why....I can list off the things that are going well for everyone and stuff, but then........I have this list of things that I just can't get to. I never seem to have time, I can't finish it, it all gets too overwhelming. I have to wait to do this thing before that thing gets done, and that thing can't get done because well that "other" thing wasn't completed right. It is just frustrating. I look at other people and I get ticked off because I think, how the heck are they able to do it and I can't get it together? I'm a pretty smart person, what the heck is wrong with me?



Anyways, I have been down lately, havent' been keeping up on my normal routine of things, just can't get into the groove of getting the stuff done that I have in my head that needs to get done. How ask my husband and he'll tell you that I am too critical, I am too picky, I am too over obsessed with having things done a certain way. That I harp too much on something that isn't that really big of a deal, but because I harp on it that I make things worse. That is not what my intent is....my intent is to try to get things done before the due date, before it becomes too big or too late to handle and it has now snowballed into another issue that needs to be taken care of....I am trying to be proactive and not reactive. I don't like waiting for people to do what they know needs to be done, but they wait until the last minute to do it. And mind you what I am waiting for them to complete is important for what I need to complete so when they come down to the wire and can't complete the task that they needed to complete because they waited until the last minute and now something isn't working right...that throws off MY schedule.

I have plans in my head that I want/need to get done and when others aren't on the same page as me it gets me frustrated. And to top it all off, it infuriates me when someone says "relax, we have time" YOU MIGHT have time, I dont' have time. If I had time, then there wouldn't be this huge long, never ending list of crap to do, that never gets done." I am the one that is laying in bed at night thinking what a horrible person I am because I didn't get to this childs game,or called this family member, or get this part of therapy done, or get this for my significant other, or that I snapped because someone told me to "chill", sit down and enjoy life. DAMN IT, I am trying but when it seems NO ONE else in "my world" can see that these things get done or NEED to be done and I feel I am the only one directing this whole show...........

OK I AM DONE.........

how again I will say....."they say a child can sense when you're stressed, unhappy........."
I believe this to be so true. Daniel has not been himself lately either, he seems not his usual self. He is smiling still, but he is quiet, he doesn't want to do the walker as much, and this is because (I believe) he senses that I am down. That I feel like laying down and giving up. I haven't said those words out loud. I don't have too...he just knows. Its not that I want to give up on Daniel and getting him to where he needs to be. There is soooooo much more that needs to be taken care of besides Daniel. So please.....I am not blaming Daniel, nor do I think it his fault. I am simply saying...... I am just tired. Physically and emotional tired. Beaten down. I look in the mirror and I dont' like what or who I see. It is not the person I was 3 or 4 years ago. I don't like who I have become. I am not a witchy person, I like to help people, I am not normally mean to people. But when I feel like I am the only one struggling the only one fighting to get things done. I get angry and resentful. Damn it I want to live too....I dont' want to have to worry all the time if everything is getting done. I want to be the one that doesn't have any plans, or just "wings" it. I would love to be able to get a phone call and go out, run to the store, without feeling guilty for wanting to go. No I don't go......because then that will throw things off schedule and if I go, well then, it will come back to bite me later. I will have missed doing something I should have been doing.

I used to be really good at multi-tasking, at managing people...in fact that is what I use to do..now I can't even manage my own little things. I use to have a routine, and everyone was happy......everyone got what they needed. I fight for what I feel I need to fight for. I get all the time, pick your battles......dont' sweat the small stuff. Well dears let me tell you that small stuff......it'll snowball, and come up again to bite you in the arse in a couple weeks. Because what you thought was "small stuff" before is now one big massive ball of F'ed up Crap...and now we have to start digging. Family get your shovels.......we're going diggin'

Why can't people turn in paperwork that they said they turned in a couple weeks ago, but now we find out that nope......must have slipped through the cracks, or I forgot, I must have misplaced that.

I say in our "welcome page" that this blog is about dealing with a child that has special needs, dealing physically and emotionally.......Well here is the emotionally part, and its not even from the child the blog is about....it's his mother! :)
Mom in a mini meltdown and not seeing light at the end of the tunnel.....to be continued at a later date.