Monday, February 11, 2008

TIRADE, RANT, COMPLAINING, MENTAL BREAKDOWN...CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL

They say that a child can sense things, that they can feel if you are upset or not.

I have been very down lately and I can't actually tell you why....I can list off the things that are going well for everyone and stuff, but then........I have this list of things that I just can't get to. I never seem to have time, I can't finish it, it all gets too overwhelming. I have to wait to do this thing before that thing gets done, and that thing can't get done because well that "other" thing wasn't completed right. It is just frustrating. I look at other people and I get ticked off because I think, how the heck are they able to do it and I can't get it together? I'm a pretty smart person, what the heck is wrong with me?



Anyways, I have been down lately, havent' been keeping up on my normal routine of things, just can't get into the groove of getting the stuff done that I have in my head that needs to get done. How ask my husband and he'll tell you that I am too critical, I am too picky, I am too over obsessed with having things done a certain way. That I harp too much on something that isn't that really big of a deal, but because I harp on it that I make things worse. That is not what my intent is....my intent is to try to get things done before the due date, before it becomes too big or too late to handle and it has now snowballed into another issue that needs to be taken care of....I am trying to be proactive and not reactive. I don't like waiting for people to do what they know needs to be done, but they wait until the last minute to do it. And mind you what I am waiting for them to complete is important for what I need to complete so when they come down to the wire and can't complete the task that they needed to complete because they waited until the last minute and now something isn't working right...that throws off MY schedule.

I have plans in my head that I want/need to get done and when others aren't on the same page as me it gets me frustrated. And to top it all off, it infuriates me when someone says "relax, we have time" YOU MIGHT have time, I dont' have time. If I had time, then there wouldn't be this huge long, never ending list of crap to do, that never gets done." I am the one that is laying in bed at night thinking what a horrible person I am because I didn't get to this childs game,or called this family member, or get this part of therapy done, or get this for my significant other, or that I snapped because someone told me to "chill", sit down and enjoy life. DAMN IT, I am trying but when it seems NO ONE else in "my world" can see that these things get done or NEED to be done and I feel I am the only one directing this whole show...........

OK I AM DONE.........

how again I will say....."they say a child can sense when you're stressed, unhappy........."
I believe this to be so true. Daniel has not been himself lately either, he seems not his usual self. He is smiling still, but he is quiet, he doesn't want to do the walker as much, and this is because (I believe) he senses that I am down. That I feel like laying down and giving up. I haven't said those words out loud. I don't have too...he just knows. Its not that I want to give up on Daniel and getting him to where he needs to be. There is soooooo much more that needs to be taken care of besides Daniel. So please.....I am not blaming Daniel, nor do I think it his fault. I am simply saying...... I am just tired. Physically and emotional tired. Beaten down. I look in the mirror and I dont' like what or who I see. It is not the person I was 3 or 4 years ago. I don't like who I have become. I am not a witchy person, I like to help people, I am not normally mean to people. But when I feel like I am the only one struggling the only one fighting to get things done. I get angry and resentful. Damn it I want to live too....I dont' want to have to worry all the time if everything is getting done. I want to be the one that doesn't have any plans, or just "wings" it. I would love to be able to get a phone call and go out, run to the store, without feeling guilty for wanting to go. No I don't go......because then that will throw things off schedule and if I go, well then, it will come back to bite me later. I will have missed doing something I should have been doing.

I used to be really good at multi-tasking, at managing people...in fact that is what I use to do..now I can't even manage my own little things. I use to have a routine, and everyone was happy......everyone got what they needed. I fight for what I feel I need to fight for. I get all the time, pick your battles......dont' sweat the small stuff. Well dears let me tell you that small stuff......it'll snowball, and come up again to bite you in the arse in a couple weeks. Because what you thought was "small stuff" before is now one big massive ball of F'ed up Crap...and now we have to start digging. Family get your shovels.......we're going diggin'

Why can't people turn in paperwork that they said they turned in a couple weeks ago, but now we find out that nope......must have slipped through the cracks, or I forgot, I must have misplaced that.

I say in our "welcome page" that this blog is about dealing with a child that has special needs, dealing physically and emotionally.......Well here is the emotionally part, and its not even from the child the blog is about....it's his mother! :)
Mom in a mini meltdown and not seeing light at the end of the tunnel.....to be continued at a later date.

9 comments:

Mal said...

Oh my gosh!! You sound just like me. You let others do things to help you out only to have it come back at the last minute and have to do it yourself anyway, when you could of done it right there and then and been finished with. Does this sounds about right?
We all have the mini breakdowns, especially with everything we have do deal with in our day to day lives which others would just cringe at.
Please try to settle down so the min breakdown does not turns into a HUGE breakdown.

Melissa said...

This is an order...

Tonight, put Daniel to bed, put Lonnie on the couch (haha sorry Lonnie), get your jammies on, grab a large glass, FULL bottle of wine (or you could scratch the glass and just drink from the bottle), crawl into bed and watch a funny movie.

You need a night to yourself.

OR

HELLO Daddy Daycare and we could be off to Mexico by Friday!

Lonnie said...

haha...hey...the offer is on the table! make it happen!

Kathryn said...

Melanie a gree with Mal - I have been there too. Luckily it passes but in the mean time take the trip to Mexico. Getting some time away from it to go out and collect your thoughts of just relax or escape for a time in a movie or the gym or somewhere beautiful will definitely help.

You're a great mom and that means you care a ton and know allot - it's a heavy burden sometimes.

Melissa said...

Haha I just saw Lonnie's comment...

ummmm it sounds to me like you would be happy to get rid of her for a week Lonnie? lol

Have you read "The Secret" yet Melanie? If so, get the law of attraction going and hopefully it'll get us some place hot. I have been trying but somehow the "universe" got me confused with my sister who is currently in the Dominican. Not sure what happened there :) I must have to tweak my method a bit.

Karen said...

You're not alone! I've been dragging lately too. A lot of my gal friends are saying the same thing.

A night off of being good to yourself sounds like the RX needed and then shake things up the next day by altering the routine or doing something different.

I, too, have fantasies of running off to Mexico and having someone else take over for a week. :)

Anonymous said...

This sounds quite a bit like my life. I HAD to do something or I was going to really go off the deep end. The thing that worked for me was that I have scheduled a definate time off for myself. Don't laugh but my time off is going to work every evening; M-F. This is what works for me. I think it's important to give yourself some time - it doesn't have to be everyday. Maybe that doesn't work for you. Maybe for you - it's one day a month. Or maybe it's a couple hours everyday at the Library. WHo knows. But I took off the supper and bedtime routines from my schedule. I needed someone else to help with the care of my son. He has cerebral palsy with spasticity in all four limbs. He is non-verbal. Anyway, I know exactly where you are coming from when you talk about as I like to call it "the crazy's". I hope you are able to work some time in for yourself. You need it and deserve it. Yes, you deserve it too. Daniel is special and your family takes time but if you are not yourself then everything and everyone suffers. Take time for yourself too. It doesn't have to be much but make sure it's enough. Everyone will appreciate it. --Amy

Nelba said...

Hope you can get some rest and co-operation from people. And I hope you feel better soon.

C said...

Melanie,
I don't know how I missed this before, but I just wanted to wave and send you a virtual hug. Some days it just wrings you out, doesn't it? I've been feeling whiny and snappish and snotty and tired and BLECH some too lately. Hopefully, it's just a hormonal or sleep thing, because I am so ready for something else.

Do you ever wonder how you'll manage to hold everything together and on target for as long as you'll need to? I wonder about that every once in awhile. Some days putting one foot in front of the other and just moving, moving, moving further on is the thing to do. And it comes fairly easily. Others, I feel a little, hmmmm... Disoriented, maybe. By all the bizarre things there are to know and learn. By the whole subculture that my life has become: Single mom, living with parents, hauling the homeschooled children around nonstop, doing therapies until my eyes want to pop out in protest, and just doing, planning, washing, feeding, running from one part of life to the next.

Wah.

Most of the time it's okay, really. Really good, even. And then there's the nights of no sleep, the puking, the yuck. And nobody in the immediate circle who gets it the way a parent would. Wah, again.

So now that I've dominated your comments section here, have a hug, or an espresso, or a hot bath, or a good cry, and know you're not alone in the scrambling.

(You do know that you still totally rock, right?) ;o)