Monday, January 14, 2008

To Sleep Means to Dream....

To sleep means to dream, to dream means to wake up sad, scared and alone.

I wish I could sleep like I use to. I could sleep, and sleep and sleep and never have a dream, or if I did. I didn't remember them.

Lately, when I am able to sleep (which isn't often, not because I don't have the opportunity, I have insomnia). I am the text book example of it. Depressed, stressed, anxiety (about sleeping), and heck for all I know.....mental illness and/or menopause?!? Anyways, I have this desire to sleep but not to dream. I have this desire to sleep, but I can't, I crave sleep and beg for sleep, but I also am in fear of it. I want to go to bed.......yet I don't. Yes here is that mental illness creeping in.

I am having dreams.
Dreams to me are suppose to be pleasant, nice visions. Mine are to some point,
they are just unrealistic. (Did you know on average a person spends 6 years of their life dreaming?)
Let me say this......I wish that when I dreamt, that I wouldn't remember them. Or that they weren't so vivid, that I wouldn't wake up with a sickening feeling. A feeling of hope, but a feeling of despair. A feeling that is so gut retching, that it makes your whole body ache? A horrible feeling of failure, not being able to do what you're suppose to be able to do.

I have having 2 different reoccurring dreams, the kind that if you can yell at yourself to wake up, you do, but then you fall back asleep right to where you were before you woke up.

Dream #1)
I am out walking with Daniel and he is in his push wheelchair, and we're heading towards the park.
There are other kids there, but we stay to the area where they aren't around much as I don't want to be on guard with the eyes trying to figure out what is wrong with Daniel. So I put Daniel in the swing and I'm holding him up and swinging him. Talking to him like I always do, "wanna go higher?" and waiting for his big open mouthed smile and that high pitched squeal. So I push him a little higher........and the giggles. We do this for a few minutes, and I say "ok Daniel, its time to go" and I stop the swing, unbuckle him, pick him up out of the swing and start to walk over the the stroller and he is doing his little leg thrusts which means he wants down. Daniel can't walk but he can stand supported by me. So I put him down in the grass and crouch down next to him still supporting him to show him the grass. I show him the sign for "grass" and "bug", and I say the word as I have him watch me do the sign. He is always watching my mouth when I talk. He wants to talk I can see it in his eyes, but he can't get his brain to tell his mouth what to do. But in my dream today he repeats me. In this most wonderful, little boy voice, this tiny little meek sounding voice......."ug" he says for Bug, and I am excited and I say "yes your right Daniel I love your big boy voice, can you say grass"..."gggggggggggrass", of course the tears are flowing because for whatever wonderful miracle Daniel is talking to me. So of course I want to rush to go home and tell Lonnie and show him what Daniel is doing, and I stand to pick him up and he says "go home now?" with these big brown eyes. And I say "yeah lets go hurry" and he grabs my hand, and starts to walk, with his hand in my hand, holding on with his little fingers around my two fingers, and says "come on hurry hurry, lets go see daddy" and we are running little boy running with his little legs pumping as fast as he can go.

This is where I wake up every first the feelings is awesome, incredible and any other words like that you can think to describe it. Then reality sets in. If you're reading this blog for the first time, or you don't know Daniel. Let me explain why this dream sucks.

Daniel is a beautiful little boy, who for whatever reason got dealt a really crappy hand for no apparent reason. Maybe its my fault, I don't know, I go back and forth on that issue too. Again, for whatever reason that I can't change even if I made a deal with the devil......Daniel has a brain malformation that is call PMG, and the part of his brain that it affects if the perisylvian area on both sides of his brain. causes him not to be able to speak, it causes him to have many feeding issues, swallowing issues.....and last but not least Daniel also won the frickin' lottery and has been diagnosed with Spastic Quad CP (meaning Cerebral Palsy that affects all 4 limbs)
That said. Daniel can't talk. Daniel can't walk, and Daniel has a hard time using his arms to hold my hand. So my a frickin' nightmare........and I can't stand sleeping anymore.

Dream analysis:............I so badly want my child to be able to do what the other children are doing. I want him to be accepted. People say he doesn't know any differently......these people are lucky that I don't have a gun when they say that. This child is highly intelligent. He knows things, he follows directions, he knows his colors, he can find things......its the frickin' body that he's got. It doesn't want to listen to what his mind I am sure is screaming. I don't want my child to have to struggle.........its not fair. Look at the many pictures on this blog and tell me that he deserves this crap. He doesn't. Not one second of it. If someone is meant to be punished for some sin that happened that I don't even remember or know what it is, it shouldn't be him. He did NOTHING to deserve what he has.

Ok, sorry.........I am done now, I've cried enough for tonight.......until I wake up again....then it will start all over again........."groundhogs day"


Anonymous said...

Hun, we all have these types of dreams. I, like you, wake up so happy . . . and then the reality sets back in again. My dreams are cruel.

Wish that I could give you a hug and have a cry together.

Jacolyn said...

Oh Mel, I have those same type of dreams. It's horrible! One dream is that Abe comes home from work and not only do Mack and Sophie run to him but Grace does as well. She loves her daddy and I know she wishes she could run to can see it in her eyes. Okay now I crying too.

Melissa said...

Melanie, you are right, Daniel doesn't deserve the hand he's been dealt. None of our kids do. He is such a beautiful little boy and you and Lonnie are such wonderful parents. I know its hard and I can only hope that these dreams become less painful and the reality of the enormous love that Daniel has for you shines through to ease your pain.

Hugs to you all,

Mal said...

Mel, I feel for you. With so much going on its no wonder you get in such deep Funks! Daniel is an adorable boy who knows how much he is loved and cherished. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

seriously mom, im tearing up

he will tho mom.

love you tons- B