Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ramblings from a stressed out Mom


It seems to have been a while and for those of you who look here frequently for updates on Daniel and the family, I apologize. I (Melanie) have been in kind of a funk lately and can't seem to shake it off.

I would have to say I dislike the holidays. It always seems to get me down, but more so this year, as my mother has just recently passed away. There were many things my mother did for the holidays, that made it special. And this year, it just isn't the same. Obviously, she is gone.

I am sure that people who are depressed know that once one thing in your life seems to suck it just snow balls and then it seems like everything sucks and its not going to get better. I could make a huge list of all the things that are not going right in my life right now, and the things that are bothering me greatly and I just can't seem to get past it. I know suck it up, shake it off, don't be such a downer, SNAP OUT OF IT!! I wish it were that easy.

I do have a lot of things to be thankful for, I truly do and I need to learn to look at things in a different way. I will still stick by the thoughts that I dislike the holidays. I read another blog recently that just kind of hit home, and I was going to reference it just now, but remembered..duh! your hard drive took a dump so you have no more favorites and I have no clue now to find it again. If I do I will post it then as it really hit how I feel about the holidays and it was funny to boot!

Daniel is doing very well, 'cept currently he has a cold and a frickin' sty that I can't get to go away for the life of me. And I believe an ear infection. We have gone to the eye doctor for his normal check up (because of the Vigabatrin medicine) and questioned WHY Daniel is always having boogery eyes, and sty's. He said that before we can do a tear duct probe (OUCH!) that he wants us to see an ENT first to make sure its not something wrong with his sinus area. Which is another trouble area, the child always, and I will stress ALWAYS has tons of hard crusty boogers in his nose, and most of the time they require a "boogerectomy" as we call it at our house.

We have also given our "verbal" word and signed in blood that if the insurance company won't pay for Daniel's motorized wheelchair that we have been waiting on approval for the past 8 months, that we will pay for it. If we didn't sign in blood they weren't' going to order it. So it has officially been ordered on December 5th and we should be getting it in the next month or so.
Now comes the home modifications that will be necessary for Daniel to utilize his motorized wheelchair. Then comes the fact that we will need a new vehicle that will be able to transport a wheelchair. Can anyone else see why I'm down in the dumps and stressed?!?! All these things that are needed and it is very hard to supply when you're a single income family. I know you are saying, so go get a job. Well it is not that easy. I am sure form reading of the blog one might come to the conclusion that life is all grand and peaches and cream....getting a job is not as easy as it sounds when you have a special needs child. This would include finding and being able to pay for a daycare that accepts handicapped children. This would also mean that we would have to stop taking Daniel out of all of his therapies. Oh we could get a nanny that would come into our home and take Daniel to all of his things, but then......why work? My whole income would go towards paying this person. I could get a job at night, but by the time Lonnie get homes from work, I am physically and mentally exhausted. AND when would we have family time. I guess I will eventually have to give up the sleep or the family time....but right now I am not ready for that. So I do work out of the house on the computer and the phone......but again.......remember my computer took a nose dive and doesn't work, which means I can't work. Perfect timing don't you agree for the wondrous holidays that are rapidly approaching.

I wish I could find a job that I could work out of home and make good money, and still be able to take Daniel to his therapy sessions (approximately 9 a week), do his feeds (3x a day plus snack - which take approximately 30-45 minutes each), getting him his electro-stim therapy at home, getting him in his walker and stander, creepster crawler, morning stretches, and naps. So that while his is napping I can "work". By the way the booger butt is only doing one nap a day these days.

But I will list one thing I am thankful for and one thing that is good. I have a wonderful family.
My husband, my children, my brothers and sisters.........we are an awesome family and you'd be hard pressed to find a more supportive one.


Anonymous said...

Dont worry mom, things will get better.. i mean im coming home so oviously they are like SO much better now :-P Im excited to see you and dont be down in the dumps it gets better and i dont want an xmas anymore.. i dont need the presents or anything of the sort, i just need my family. You eventually realize what christmas is about once your gone for 6 months. But im coming do you worry your pretty little head off...

Lonnie- i know your stoked too!! woo!!

Hello Daniel, i love you. And there is not a question in my mind whether or not your excited i know you are ;-) cant wait to... "DANCE DANCE DANCIN' DANIEL, WE'RE GONNA DANCE DANCE DANCIN' DANIEL"

love B

C said...

Aw, Melanie. I know what you mean about all of it. Since the kids' dad left, Christmas feels like a mad scramble. My parents are lovely, but this house is getting just plain full of Q's therapy stuff. My grandpa just died, so the whole family is in the midst of getting the funeral together. We got a tree, but between being sick, doing school, and therapies, I have no idea when we're going to decorate it. We're constantly at the end of our financial rope here and I'm constantly working to spin it so the kids don't think so.

It's just exhausting, you know? Yes, you know.

But how *does* one get a job, with all the attendant issues to having a special needs little guy? Say he goes to preschool in a year or so--so what? What about when he's sick? What about when he can't stay for more than an hour or two? What if he's getting more at home than there? How about my other kids--they're not so old either.....

These are the things that kick my butt in the wee hours.

All that rambling and whining to say: Honey, I feel your pain. I'm sorry you're having any. The excellence of your family shines through. You all are one amazing group of people and thus, luckier than most, even in the middle of all the horrid crap.

I think of you often. Hugs, prayers, blessings,

Melissa said...

Funk's suck big time don't they! I was (or maybe still am, just in denial lol) stuck in one for past 2 years. Things just become too much sometimes and you just don't know how to move forward. You certainly are dealing with so much at one time and this funk you are stuck in is completely understandable. It seems like your family is behind you 100% and that is definitely something to be thankful for. I wish I had a supportive partner to fall on but I don't so I just trudge through and hope I am doing an alright job raising these kids. Hang in there! Your daughter is right...things will get better. They always seem to work out in the end.


ps. Tell Daniel that Nathan is still lovin' that toy!! Thanks again!

Anonymous said...

things are tough now, but they will get better. it may not look like it in the near future, but it's happening for a reason. Dont stress so much over the little things, and remember you have all of us to help. But also remember you need to take care of yourself. Please visit the doctor if your expressing feelings of depression. If your not here then what will happen to D? Plus britts home so wooo think about how much fun that is ( notice the hint of sarcasim?) jk. love ya bunches...
me ?

Haley-O said...

Having a wonderful family is such a blessing. I'm so happy to hear you have that. here's to a New Year that brings great things for you. :)

Mrs. Furious said...

I don't know you... so maybe this is weird.. I linked over from the Blogher thing.

It would never occur to me that you should work outside the home... there is no part of raising a special needs child that would ever lend a reader to think you have it easy and shouldn't complain and need to go get a job! ever!
I stay home and don't have half the stuff going on that you do... and I still manage to complain about it!

Kathryn said...

Melanie - I am sooo in the same boat as you right now. I can relate. I hope you feel better especially once the holiday celebrations begin. You are doing such an excellent job with Daniel and all it is to manage his and your life. It's freakin superhuman to do that well and you do it great.

I hope you feel better soon. I am glad you have such a great family to cheer you up.

And Mrs. Furious- I LOVED you comment. Thanks for that. I know it was for Melanie but sometimes I need to hear that too. ;-)

BusyLizzyMom said...

Everyone is entitled to their own 'funks' and you have gone through a lot with losing your Mom.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas that will at least give you moments in which all your troubles are forgotten.