Do you ever have one of those days where you just start thinking about
"What if's?" and that just gets you started on thinking "I shoulda's"
That's me the last few days, and it was Lonnie before me...we run in cycles.
I am not really down in the dumps, but it seems like its fast approaching. I am wondering if I am doing enough? Should I be doing more? Daniel is making progress, slowly, but there is still progress. I read other blogs of children with special needs and I begin to question what I am doing. There are parents that are taking their children over to China for stem cell treatments, there are parents that have their children in ABR and doing hours of compression-type therapy are home each day, there are parents who are doing hyperbaric treatments. Then there is ABM therapy which seems to work really well for some kiddos.
There are parents that have their children involved in outside activities, hockey, skiing and things like that. I don't let Daniel experience those things - whether it be from fear of him getting hurt, not being able to figure out how to do it with him, or just laziness on my part. I don't know.
Maybe I am feeling like doo-doo because I don't have Daniel in any outside therapies currently because we are in Grand Rapids and he is so tired after school every day at CLC. He is getting a ton of therapy there, but is it enough? I always second guess myself. I scare myself. That maybe Daniel would be walking right now if I had done things differently. If I had worked more with him at home, taking him to more sessions of some therapy. That maybe because of my lack of drive on certain things that I have harmed him by not putting him in some other sort of therapy?
Then there is the school academics aspect of the whole thing. Yes he is getting academics at CLC. But is it enough? Is he where he should be? I love CLC, and I can't imagine putting him in the public school system - scares the chit out of me. Really it does.
But again - am I doing enough with him in this area?
Don't get me wrong, I know I am a good parent to him, I love him with all my heart. But I always feel like I should be doing more that I am not. That perhaps I made the wrong decision to put him in this environment for 9 months and didn't keep him in his therapies he was in that he might be further physically?
I have always thought Daniel will walk (with a walker unaided). I always say I am OK even if he doesn't, and I am. But then why in the back of my head do I continue to think "he'll walk someday". Does that make me a bad mom? an unaccepting mom?
Maybe its just emotions running high right now-- being away from everything, seeing other children doing things that we just don't have the opportunity to do either because of where we are or funds. Just one of those weeks where I feel like I am not doing right by my child.
For the love of Pete I hope I can shake this mood I'm in. Its not very productive.
I was going to leave you with more photos of Daniel at school but Blogger is not cooperating right now!