One would think that when we got Daniel's diagnosis that I would say that is when I hit rock bottom in the emotions category. Probably at that time I thought it to be also. When I think back to that time, which happened to be 4 years ago this February I don't remember feeling quite as low as I do now.
Maybe its a delayed reaction?
Maybe I'm just hitting rock bottom now?
Maybe I'm just tired emotionally?
Maybe I can't handle reality of what life is?
Maybe I am just overwhelmed and I don't know what to do next?
Maybe I just need to change some things in my life/schedule.
Funny, this is suppose to be a blog about Daniel and here I am spilling my guts about being depressed. I suppose it effects Daniel because I'm his mom and he is with me 24/7, and I am probably dragging him down with me.
Maybe it's because I'm realizing that I am not the super mom that I wanted to be.
Maybe it's because I am realizing that no matter all the therapies and doctor appointments I take him to, I cannot "fix" what people think the problems are. And that what "the people" think are the problems are some of the things I love the most about Daniel and I am ashamed of that? Examples: He can't walk. Yes, I'd love for him to walk, but if he did he'd be a typical 4 yr old who is running around getting into everything. What I love about that he doesn't walk...He still likes to snuggle, and I get to hold him and carry him. I get that closeness that most parents have lost by now because their child is older/larger.
I have not lost my mind totally. I realize I am depressed and I am in the process of fixing it. But for people who have really been depressed for days on end, clinically depressed, not just having a bad couple of days type depressed, you know that it is hard to fix it. Medicines don't do the full trick. They aren't happy pills, they kind of just make it so you aren't losing it daily and crying. They are suppose to give you that even keel, give you a little energy. I have yet to seen the energy component come into play yet, but that is being addressed with treatments for severe anemia and bad CBC/hemoglobin counts. I am hoping within the next few weeks this part will be fixed too. I am trying...little steps.
I use to say when people we depressed "Snap outta it". Well its not that easy, I wish it were. I use to say "It could be worse, you're not as bad off as most people". Well to a person who is depressed let me tell you first hand - those comments don't help! When you feel like there is a problem with every aspect of your life and its an endless loop - one thing affects the other thing so your head is spilling and you have no idea where to start...really, it doesn't help. The comments or the feeling that "oh crap I've now disappointed that person and they are thinking I'm no good" feeling gets added to the list.
Nobody else can make things better, you have to want to do it yourself. You have to want to pull yourself out of the bottom of the well. Sometimes you just need something/someone to grab onto to pull you out. Sometimes you just need help making one little change and things will fall into place. Sometimes all we need is one little success to feel better.
WHY am I posting this you think? Well a few reasons - 1) I'm tired of faking it. :) I'm not happy with everything, I'm not a superhero mom 2) Daniel is NOT the only person in this family with a "handicap" his just happens to be more visible than mine. And sometimes families have more than that is on the surface to deal with. 3) This blog is about a family dealing with a child with special needs and I have been very bad at updating it with what is going on lately. When mom gets out of whack and she is your main caregiver during the day that means Daniel gets out of whack too.
So we are DE-whack-ifying starting today and we're getting everything out on the table and off our chest. Because sometimes we are not as our title reads : "better than normal". Sometimes we are "$hitter than normal" and that is ok too! (just not for long periods of time!)
Maybe its because I have been looking at the negatives in life instead of the positives...
yes, I think that is probably part of it.
Maybe its because I have been thinking I don't have choices and I am stuck.
well, I am not stuck. I am not the only person who has ever felt depressed and I shouldn't be ashamed of it. Sometimes people need help from other people, and its ok to ask. Sometimes life is overwhelming and we all have different levels of what we can handle. I am not a failure because I am having a difficult time. I am not a failure or love my child any less because I wish things were different. I could not love my child more - but there are things I wish were different.
And to anyone else out there feeling that if they voice that they wish things were different for their child, that their child was "fixed". You are not a bad parent for voicing it and I for one am sure you love your child.
Anyways - its out of the table...I'm depressed and everything isn't sunshine and happiness.
(see my head poking out of the hole? I haven't drowned yet!)