Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's a Love/Hate Relationship

I find myself in a secret relationship and I am not sure how I feel.


I am sure the list could go on and on, but you get the point.

It really came as quite a surprise. I was flabbergasted when I sat back and realize what a hypocrite I am. I can go rant and rave all I want when it comes to other people carrying on this way, yet when I finally sat down and through about it..........I AM DOING THE SAME THING, but secretly.

Yep.....Me. Wasting my life away. Ruining days upon days. I guess maybe I can blame most of it on my age. Just realizing that this is what it is...comes with the getting older. Mid life thing. Who knows?

I love this "relationship" if we will call it that. It gives me comfort,great stress-reliever, makes me feel rejuvenated, its my escape from the reality.

I hate this "relationship" because it takes away from the time I should be doing the stuff around the house, being with my family. Being a productive part of society. It makes me feel guilty. I hide it, don't want people to know that in the middle of the day I YEARN for it, and dinner time, I am counting the hours until I can again fall into its comfort.

There is something even better about craving this ...........during this time of year. Its chilly out, sometimes rainy, all I want is the warmth that I get from it. The "aaaahhhhh" feeling that creeps throughout my body when I fall into the warmth. The feeling of ooooh man this is good $hit, and the feeling of guilt all wrapped into one......which one will win?!?

Its a love/hate relationship!

I love SLEEPING. I can't get enough of it. I think about sleeping ALL THE TIME.
Its my escape, where I don't have to think. I love the bed, I love the sound of the fan on high
I love the darkness, the smell of my pillow, the warmth of my blankets.

I hate SLEEPING, because the minute I wake up there is the guilt that I just wasted that time, where I should have been doing what I am suppose to be doing. I also hate it because there are nights when I can't sleep, when I don't have the naps, and I yearn to sleep and he doesn't come. I get so angry. All I want is Sleep but I can't because too many things are going through my head.

I hate when I am sleeping and the phone rings..."Oh did I wake you?"
me: Oh gosh no....its the middle of the day... sheesh..

Why do I hide it?

Because people will think I am lazy. Am I?
Because people will think I am depressed. Am I?
Because people will think I am a slob. Am I?

Now mind you, I can only take the naps if Daniel is napping. He is getting to that age where he doesn't like to nap. Actually he should probably be passed that stage but I have kept him in it.
I wonder sometimes what I will do when he has outgrown taking naps.

I suppose part of the craving for sleep is to escape reality for a while, it could also be age, or the fact that I am out of shape and desperately need to do something about it, but guess whose winning that fight? Sleep or Exercise??! YEP you got it, that is why my butt looks so big!

Again- its a love/hate relationship!


blogzilly said...

I think the real question YOU think you are depressed? I don't think lazy factors in, but based on your blog history, your life, is it possible that this is a symptom of depression? Could be. I know when I am under more weight of depression I tend to sleep a lot more. It's way more pleasant than reality sometimes.

Keri said...

I LOVE sleep, but sleep hates me. I can never get enough!!!

Wherever HE Leads We'll Go said...

I love sleep too but feel like I can never get enough. I think about taking naps during the day, but it rarely happens (I could nap on a lunch break since I work from home). I work all day and then spend time with and care for Emily at night so when she goes to bed, I get wired! I try to squeeze a lot of stuff into a short period of time, stay up way too late and I am super tired the next day. I do this over and over and over again. What a vicious cycle!

Anonymous said...

My son has ADHD. The boy didn't sleep for the first year of his life, and for a variety of reasons was high maintenance- diet, school, therapeutic karate, social skills- and I didn't sleep well because the mental effort it took to stay ahead of the issues. Then all the foundational stuff paid off- it's by no means perfect- he will most likely take 7 years to get a bachelor's, but he's doing it- and I don't have to plan, organize and coordinate a household based on his needs. AND I SLEPT. Everyday for at least two hours for over a year.

that said- depression in women as they age is a hugely undiagnosed problem, and if you JUST CAN'T function unless you sleep -or if your sleep pattern bugs you- it couldn't hurt to see a doctor.

Katy said...

Some people just need more sleep. I feel guilty about taking naps, but I don't get anything done until everyone in my family is asleep and that leaves me up late at night. Plus, I'm a lousy sleeper--take me forever to fall asleep. I need my naps.

Melissa said...

I am a sleeper too. I get the kids up and off to school then head back to bed. I need lots of sleep and like Katy said, I am up late getting stuff done that I didn't get done during the day with the kids running around.

I have no guilt about either lol!

Jacolyn said...

Mel, I am the same way. I ADORE sleep!! My husband can get by on about 5 hours a night but I need much more. I too, wonder if I'm depressed or lazy. I've started popping energy strips more often and drink way too much caffeine but I really feel guilty about sleeping too much.

I did read somewhere, sometime :) that women require more sleep than there!!