I find myself in a secret relationship and I am not sure how I feel.
I am sure the list could go on and on, but you get the point.
It really came as quite a surprise. I was flabbergasted when I sat back and realize what a hypocrite I am. I can go rant and rave all I want when it comes to other people carrying on this way, yet when I finally sat down and through about it..........I AM DOING THE SAME THING, but secretly.
Yep.....Me. Wasting my life away. Ruining days upon days. I guess maybe I can blame most of it on my age. Just realizing that this is what it is...comes with the getting older. Mid life thing. Who knows?
I love this "relationship" if we will call it that. It gives me comfort,great stress-reliever, makes me feel rejuvenated, its my escape from the reality.
I hate this "relationship" because it takes away from the time I should be doing the stuff around the house, being with my family. Being a productive part of society. It makes me feel guilty. I hide it, don't want people to know that in the middle of the day I YEARN for it, and dinner time, I am counting the hours until I can again fall into its comfort.
There is something even better about craving this ...........during this time of year. Its chilly out, sometimes rainy, all I want is the warmth that I get from it. The "aaaahhhhh" feeling that creeps throughout my body when I fall into the warmth. The feeling of ooooh man this is good $hit, and the feeling of guilt all wrapped into one......which one will win?!?
Its a love/hate relationship!
I love SLEEPING. I can't get enough of it. I think about sleeping ALL THE TIME.
Its my escape, where I don't have to think. I love the bed, I love the sound of the fan on high
I love the darkness, the smell of my pillow, the warmth of my blankets.
I hate SLEEPING, because the minute I wake up there is the guilt that I just wasted that time, where I should have been doing what I am suppose to be doing. I also hate it because there are nights when I can't sleep, when I don't have the naps, and I yearn to sleep and he doesn't come. I get so angry. All I want is Sleep but I can't because too many things are going through my head.
I hate when I am sleeping and the phone rings..."Oh did I wake you?"
me: Oh gosh no....its the middle of the day... sheesh..
Why do I hide it?
Because people will think I am lazy. Am I?
Because people will think I am depressed. Am I?
Because people will think I am a slob. Am I?
Now mind you, I can only take the naps if Daniel is napping. He is getting to that age where he doesn't like to nap. Actually he should probably be passed that stage but I have kept him in it.
I wonder sometimes what I will do when he has outgrown taking naps.
I suppose part of the craving for sleep is to escape reality for a while, it could also be age, or the fact that I am out of shape and desperately need to do something about it, but guess whose winning that fight? Sleep or Exercise??! YEP you got it, that is why my butt looks so big!
Again- its a love/hate relationship!