I remember when everyone at the company I worked for use to say I was a neat freak.
--My house is a frickin' pig sty
Someone would walk by my office and I knew where everything was.
--Don't even think I could tell you where the car keys are half the time
I could tell you what was said during what meeting and who attended.
--Not a clue to what happened last week, let alone who was around me!
I could tell you almost word for word a conversation that happened months prior. They use to say I had the memory of an elephant.
--What did you just say?
I was so organized that everything was color coded in my files so if anyone had to come step in they could figure it out easily. I worked for a Japanese company, when you left work your desk was to be completely cleared of any papers. I would always get the compliments from the management on how organized I was and now my office looked.
--If someone from that company came into my house now they would have a heart attack. Drop right on the spot. I kid you not.
I was the trouble shooter, I took care of the emergencies, the line down situations with the Big 3. I was the one who got those "oh crap we're in trouble calls" and I took charge.
--Now I get phone calls and I am clueless, it takes me the better part of the conversation to finally figure out what issue the person is talking to me about and which child. I now usually end up getting off the phone in tears of frustration
I was the person that people came to for help because they were lost in an argument with a supplier and needy my "b*tchy" problem solving side to come out, and I would "win" because I wouldn't back down, I knew I was right and if I wasn't I was going to convince them I was.
--Why am I not winning anymore?
What the heck happened to me?!?
Somewhere along the line in the past few years that person up and took off!
I used to come home from work proud of what I had accomplished. I might have complained about it some, but then again who doesn't?
I miss that person. I miss not feeling that I am accomplishing something important. Sometimes my hubby will come home from work and tell me about an issue at work and how he is frustrated with it. I just look at him with envy. I would love to be that person I use to be, that person who felt important, that person that people looked too for guidance, the answer person. I always knew what was going on with the company and I was always the first to know things from management. I was someone.
Why does being a SAHM make me feel like I don't do anything? I do tons of things I know. I try to manage our lives, schedule things, keep bills paid with money my husband brings home. I am a care giver, a teacher of sorts, a part time pretend doctor, cook...whatever.
The question I ask myself is WHY can't I feel important as the SAHM and feel like I am contributing to our lives in a worthy, important way?
Somewhere along the line, I lost pride in myself. Lost the self esteem that I once had in myself.
Did it happen because I am not in the "working world" anymore?
Did it happen because I feel like I failed my child(ren)/husband?
Did it happen because with everything that is going on in our lives that we don't have time for maintaining a relationship?
None of this probably makes sense to a lot of people.
All I know is some how the Melanie from 2001 does not exist and is not the Melanie in 2009.
And at times that makes me very sad.