It's a Love/Hate Relationship

I find myself in a secret relationship and I am not sure how I feel.

Torn
Secretive
Guilty/Ashamed
Self-satisfying
Annoyed
Yearning
Embarrassed


I am sure the list could go on and on, but you get the point.

It really came as quite a surprise. I was flabbergasted when I sat back and realize what a hypocrite I am. I can go rant and rave all I want when it comes to other people carrying on this way, yet when I finally sat down and through about it..........I AM DOING THE SAME THING, but secretly.

Yep.....Me. Wasting my life away. Ruining days upon days. I guess maybe I can blame most of it on my age. Just realizing that this is what it is...comes with the getting older. Mid life thing. Who knows?


I love this "relationship" if we will call it that. It gives me comfort,great stress-reliever, makes me feel rejuvenated, its my escape from the reality.

I hate this "relationship" because it takes away from the time I should be doing the stuff around the house, being with my family. Being a productive part of society. It makes me feel guilty. I hide it, don't want people to know that in the middle of the day I YEARN for it, and dinner time, I am counting the hours until I can again fall into its comfort.


There is something even better about craving this ...........during this time of year. Its chilly out, sometimes rainy, all I want is the warmth that I get from it. The "aaaahhhhh" feeling that creeps throughout my body when I fall into the warmth. The feeling of ooooh man this is good $hit, and the feeling of guilt all wrapped into one......which one will win?!?

Its a love/hate relationship!

I love SLEEPING. I can't get enough of it. I think about sleeping ALL THE TIME.
Its my escape, where I don't have to think. I love the bed, I love the sound of the fan on high
I love the darkness, the smell of my pillow, the warmth of my blankets.

I hate SLEEPING, because the minute I wake up there is the guilt that I just wasted that time, where I should have been doing what I am suppose to be doing. I also hate it because there are nights when I can't sleep, when I don't have the naps, and I yearn to sleep and he doesn't come. I get so angry. All I want is Sleep but I can't because too many things are going through my head.

I hate when I am sleeping and the phone rings..."Oh did I wake you?"
me: Oh gosh no....its the middle of the day... sheesh..

Why do I hide it?

Because people will think I am lazy. Am I?
Because people will think I am depressed. Am I?
Because people will think I am a slob. Am I?

Now mind you, I can only take the naps if Daniel is napping. He is getting to that age where he doesn't like to nap. Actually he should probably be passed that stage but I have kept him in it.
I wonder sometimes what I will do when he has outgrown taking naps.

I suppose part of the craving for sleep is to escape reality for a while, it could also be age, or the fact that I am out of shape and desperately need to do something about it, but guess whose winning that fight? Sleep or Exercise??! YEP you got it, that is why my butt looks so big!

Again- its a love/hate relationship!

Don't Laugh At Me

Came across this video today. Just wanted to share. If only more people were like this.

Want To Know What Rocks?

Going to get Daniel out of bed, standing him up and giving him a hug where I say "Good Morning"
and without prompting or asking, I hear

"I a u" translated from Daniel speech to ours....plain as day " I Love you"

tears to the eyes instantly and a bigger hug...

I love you too Daniel.

Made my day.

Asking for Help

Hi!

Sometimes its really hard to ask for help when you have your pride.
It sucks actually.

Anyways, there is this contest for a woman who is divorces, survivor of cancer and is taking care of her special needs son. She needs help by winning this contest. If you could follow the link and perhaps vote for her it would be greatly appreciated.

If you can vote for the St. Clair Shores home!!


Vote here

She is tied for first place currently, so maybe the little boost will help her.
Remember: whats goes around comes around!! People just helping people.

Thanks!

Trevor Follow-up

Last week I asked that everyone say a little prayer for Trevor because he was having some major surgery.

Well this past weekend Daniel, Lonnie & I went to visit and offer our support. I will say it was probably a little selfish on my part because I wanted to meet Danielle a lot too. So we went for two reasons, one to show our support and offer our services if needed. And two because Danielle is a pretty cool person (so is her hubby). I have been following Trevor’s blog for quite a while and the way she writes and how she describes things always keeps me coming back for more. She has tons of information on Infantile Spasms and she is down to earth.

Well I am happy to report that Trevor did well during the seizures and they have only seen a few since the surgery but that is expected. I cannot imagine having to be in their shoes, making decisions that they had to make. Although if I were I would have opted just as they have. Incredible people.

Trevor is doing as well as can be expected, you should hop over there and check our his blog as she keeps it updated regularly. I am hoping we won’t see any posts about seizures, and we will see many many posts of how well Trevor is doing!!

It was great getting to meet the family, it was too bad it was under the circumstances it was. Maybe next year we can plan a get-together of a bunch of IS families here in Michigan!

Keepin’ Ourselves Busy

We’ve been keeping busy over on our home front with lots of things with Daniel and making our fun little crowns.

Here are some examples in case you wanted to see. If not, hit that little “X” button in the top right corner! :)

Our Michigan College Crown (Lonnie refused to make the green and white one first!)

Our “Staff Spotlight” for the High School Teacher of the week crown (Done in the school colors)

Our “Golfer” crown. The tips are the golf balls...isn’t it cute?!!?

And of course we’ve been making quite a few of these bad boys for all the little boys!...Thomas the Tank Train, which we first made for Daniel on his 4th birthday.

And for the little girls the reversible crowns with the flower seem to be the hit of the party!

I think my next creation is going to be for Victoria and her “Fancy Nancy” costume. Still trying to figure out what I’m going to do for that one!

or one of the characters from the Disney Movie “Cars” (Mater or McQueen).

Awesome Husband Award

Sometimes belonging to these special needs yahoo groups can get me down, sometimes they can give me hope, and they always give me support when needed. I have met many people who have traveled the roads we are on and I have also met others that are at that same spot in the road and don't know where to turn. They are like I am, searching for help and for understanding.

Sometimes I forget that I don't need to look towards other parents, but I just need to go to my husband to make me feel better.

I sent him an email at work about being "blah" because of something I had read about another child on a yahoo group. How that child has the same thing as Daniel but seems to be doing so much more and I questioned "WHY does everything have to be so much more difficult for Daniel?" its not fair. (Well life isn't fair for anyone is it).

Anyways- this is the reply I got.

he has an easy time just being himself. what is hard is us trying to make him into something that we decide that he NEEDS to be. i understand that for him to make his way through life that he will need to be able to communicate in some form. i am confident he will (because he already is). he will have to find a way to get around, and i am confident he will be able to in whatever form that is.

everyone has their own gifts. everyone is born with that 'special something' that not everyone gets. some can play guitar, some are crafty, some are book smart, some can act, some can do math, and some can hit a fastball 440FT. then there are those that can bring constant pure joy and happiness to a pretty f'd up world. that is a gift, Melanie. Daniel has THAT gift...(as well as being a smart cookie!). I surely don't possess that ability. He was born with it. It's not something you can teach someone.

sure he can't hit a fastball 440 feet, but i can't either. i can walk....he can't. he can steal your heart with a flutter of his eyelashes...i can't.

bottom line is, he communicates in his own way. he will continue to do this in his own way, whether it is from how we TELL him to do it or whether it is in his own way. either is ok with me.


Now how awesome is that reply?! Sometimes you just have to look to the person you live with. Sometimes I forget I'm not in this alone..